I'm sitting here in my bed, thinking. Thinking about love. About life in general. I'm only 21, and to me, that seems so young by comparison. I have my whole life ahead of me! A life that I can accomplish all my dreams, travel the world, find an enduring love that will last a lifetime. I spent the day with my best friend today, and she told me something. She said that after a year of marriage to her husband, she's finally starting to really fall in love with her husband. He had to be away this weekend, so she stayed with her mom, and she said for the first time, she really missed him while he was gone. I've heard from so many of my married friends tell me that love isn't those feelings you get when you know you're going to get to see them, or when they say they love you, and that fluttery feeling you get. It's simply wanting to be with them. It's when they make you so angry, you just want to hit them, and yet, you still want to be near them. It's being friends and knowing what the other one is thinking and feeling, and understand them.
I just want the chance to feel that way myself. I feel like I've found that person I can fall that deeply in love with, I just want the chance to find out. It started out so simply. We were such good friends. Somewhere in the middle of our long conversations, and laughing at each other's stupid jokes, and pouring our hearts out, telling each other our secrets, hopes, fears, heartaches, and so much more...we fell in love. I've found that there are two different kind of loves. There's the giddy, happy love. The "feel good" love. And then there's the love that stays, even when the feelings are gone. When you're angry at each other, and you'd give anything to slap them silly, and deep down, you know you still love that person.
I'll go for days thinking, "I'm not going to do this, I can't put myself through this again...," and then I'll find myself thinking about him, wondering how his day is going, if he's having a good day, hoping he's not having another fight with his parents, or not too stressed about trying to move out, or if he's being safe when he spends time with his friends. And if he's thought of me that day. If I'll hear from him soon, wishing I could read him better. Heh. He's the first person I couldn't read like a book, and it drives me crazy. And intrigues me. If I haven't heard from him in a couple days, I miss him. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, wishing so badly he were there next to me, feeling so alone because he's NOT there, I just want to cry at times.
Don't get me wrong, I'm normally a very rational, logical person. I'm the one my friends come to for advice with their own relationships. I'm normally cool, calm, and collected, and I don't let my heart get the best of me. That's not the case now. He has my heart in a very precarious situation, and I often fear that I'm not going to be enough, and he'll leave me in pieces. Then I remember this whole other element of our relationship I've never had before: Friendship. I can really say he's counted as one of my dearest friends, and I cherish that.
I don't know where this will end up, but I pray that we both have the courage to give it a chance to see where this can take us. I truly think this is the real thing, and that kind of love doesn't come around all that often, and I don't want to chance missing out. I hope he feels the same way.
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