The Precipice

So coming up for air after spending so long drowning in sorrow, I realize that there is so much more to it than that. I may not be wallowing in self-pity anymore, I'm also fighting to regain some semblance of the person I once knew. The only real emotion I seem to be able to hold onto is apathy. I feel so...numb to everything. Even the simple act of listening to old songs that used to speak to me...does nothing. The only ones that really have any affect are the ones that express the emptiness that's been carved out in my own lift.

I'm not sure where this road is taking me, but I'm so sick of this seclusion. I'm ready to break out, blaze new trails of my own, apart from the condescension I feel all around me. I am dying to break down this block that I can't seem to get beyond. I'm ready to leave the familiar behind, and run head-long into the unknown.

Sadly, that all sounds wonderful in my head, but it certainly doesn't add up to anything in reality. Why is it that 99% of people have all their hopes and dreams, but never actually go after them. Jimmy over there has a dream to be a concert pianist, but he's working in an elbow-to-elbow cubicle from 9-5, miserable ever flipping second of it. Is that going to be me, 5, 10 years from now? Will I head for my dreams, only to watch them be hurled off a cliff onto the precipice of reality below? I don't want that to be my story. I want to have a real, full, exciting story that I can look back on and say, "I did it. I did what I wanted to. I lived my dream, and I never regretted a minute of it." I want that so badly I ache inside. What if it doesn't happen though? What if, 20, 30 years from now, I wake up with five kids, and a pot-bellied husband who I haven't had sex with in nearly a year? God help, don't let that be my future. I may go to sleep and never wake up.

All I know is that I can't let my life be driven by fear, uncertainty of the unknown, or an innate desire to please everyone but myself. I HAVE to live my life for myself, do what I see to be best for ME (because we really are the only ones that truly know ourselves, right?), and not continue to ask myself what so-and-so thinks I should do. Or be too afraid to take that dive off the cliff into the cool waves of triumph below.

I want to take that dive.